Well, I’m not even sure why I’m updating…. Have pretty much
NOTHING to write about…. Yeah my life is pretty fucking sad and boring… Only
thing I can really report on with a bit of a shock is that at least the last 4
or 5 updates I’ve done where written WHILE I was absolutely out of my fucking
mind on Ice…. Disgusting drug, fucking hate it but Pete really likes it and
well… It’s there, yup that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it! So if any of
you have wondered why my last couple of post have seemed a little “strange”
well that’s why! And guess what…. YUUUP! I’m on it right now! Well actually I’m
crashing down now and fucking HARD too…. Feels awful!
Also Pete’s Mum has pretty much moved her now, only spending two
days out of the whole week back at Vermont… It’s starting to really fucking
piss me off… She’s always in a bad mood and takes it out on me and her dog
Snowy is so damn annoying and just utterly dumb as a brick! And boy does he
have the highest pitched bark! Drives me mad!!! And then she is always asking
for fuckng money (I know, just cause I use drugs doesn’t mean I’m not going to
give her rent/bill money) it’s the fact that both Pete and My Centrelink
payments are set up to pay a certain amount of money to the bills and rent of
this house! Why don’t we just pay Pete’s Mum you ask? Well we did do that at
first…. Every week we’d give her between $200 and $150 but the same day we
would pay her she would go out and buy a shit tonne of food FOR US! Now I know
she means well but it gets really fucking frustrating when later on in the week
we’re yelled at (mostly me as I don’t scream back at her for fear of being
kicked out) Because She doesn’t have enough to pay the bills and shit….
Sometimes man I think she’s getting dumber and dumber in her old age… She
thinks with absolutely NO logic and spends all her money on useless SHIT… She
has already spent her entire retirement payment….
So in the long run you know what this all means for Pete and me?
You see Pete knows that if we were both to finally move out to live in our own
place that his Mum would be fucked and would end up having to sell the Rosebud
house which she bought with her own money during a time when her husband had
total control of her money…. She loves this house very much but once the little
money she has left runs out all she’ll have left is a tiny $280 a fortnight of
Centrelink payments…. You see she gets hardly anything due to her having a
Husband with A LOT of assets but there’s
just a little bit of a problem there…. Pete’s Dad is an ASSHOLE!! He has
roughly half a mill worth of stocks that pretty much looks like he will NEVER
spend and actually won’t to be buried with it…. He won’t help his wife AT ALL
if anything he bluntly blames her. Now she also has two other children besides
Pete which are both rather well off…. But they are both even MORE cruel then
the husband! And why? Because for some unknown reason they both HATE Pete, their
own flesh and blood and would wont nothing more than for him to suffer and
probably die too L. And Because she won’t
kick Pete out making him homeless they are both literally “enrage” with her and
treats her (their own fucking MOTHER) with the most disgusting disrespect I’ve
EVER seen…. Which actually is most like another reason why she enjoys being
here so much. Pete and I are the only ones that will help her and we both get a
tiny fraction of what Pete’s sister and brother get but in return we are both
yelled at by her…. So I’m really afraid we’re going to be stuck here until she
passes which of cause I hope isn’t soon! But will actually probably be at least
another 15 years or so…. Pete and I can’t have a child here as there is hardly
enough room just for us…. And I’m going to be 27 this year… I’m pretty sure if
I don’t fall pregnant by the time I hit 30 I’m sadly never going to…. I’m
getting older and Pete knows I’ve wanted a child for the last 5 years now! But…
I don’t think he wants to have children with me L… He said something last night
that cut me real deep and I think pretty much made it VERY clear of what he
really wants…. You see I’ve been using ovulation tests so you know, so we do it
at the best time :P… Anyway I’ve been doing this with Pete knowing for at least
the last year now! And as usual I came prancing out of the bathroom with a
positive test while sporting a “You want some loving?” Look on my face lol….
And OF CAUSE only after we fuck and also after a whole FUCKING YEAR of me
letting him know I was ready and actually taking steps to have a child does he
decide to go for the jugular… I first asked him if he thought I’d look good
with a big pregnant belly, I don’t usually ask weird baby stuff like that but
at that time I was feeling rather “good” lol…. And Pete just bluntly says back,
“I’m sorry but if you fell pregnant I’d make you get an abortion…. I’m just not
ready, were both on dome and still use and quite frankly there’s no fucking way
that I’m going to do a 9 to 5 job every fucking day.” I tried to reassure him
that the moment we got pregnant that everything would change, that WE would
change! I would quit everything and would seriously not find it that hard to do…
Which Pete just shakes his head and calls me an idiot…. But I’m serious, I literally
can’t find a good enough reason to motivate me to quit…. But a child would %100
motivate me…. So I’m actually really scared… What if I do fall pregnant soon?
Do I tell him and risk having to kill my own child that I’ve soooo desperately wanted
for the last 8 years? Or once finding out do I say nothing and run away one
night while he sleeps? But I love Pete…. I don’t want to leave him L and I’ll be leaving Jedi! I
know Jedi is just a dog but my god I love that dog as if he was my first born
child… The position Pete has put me in is so unfair and just cruel….But it has
made me realising that he just isn’t daddy material…. L…. Which is why I’m doomed to
never know what it’s like to get a positive pregnancy test, to never surprise my
Oma and Dad with the news, to never feel that first kick, to never feel the
instant loving bond of when you first get to hold your baby…. And just so so
much more…. Sadly Ever since I turned 20 deep down I kind of knew I’d never
know what it’s like to be a mother…. But I hope Pete at least realises that if
that day of him forcing me to kill our baby ever comes round…. That will %100
be the last day I spend with him…. I most likely won’t move on to “try” to have
a family with someone else…. Most likely I won’t even form another deep and
serious relationship…. Not because I can’t but because I honestly wouldn’t wont
to!
Anyway… I know weird spot to finish but I’m starting to feel really
awful… Got to go.